What Graduation Means 4 Years Later

I graduated from the University of California, Irvine (zot zot) in 2010.  Four years later, so much has happened since my graduation, I feel like it was a lifetime ago.  Yet I can still remember it like yesterday.

I remember the anxiety of taking my first steps into the real world of careers and 9-5 work schedules.  I remember debating whether or not I had to go to grad school, whether or not that would affect my future.  I recall considering getting a teaching credential and teaching high school English.

Now, four years later, all my worries seem silly.  I'm married, working, co-own a home.  Things that seemed perpetually "down the road" at the time of graduation.  I notice some of the graduates dwelling in anxiety.  Part of me wants to tell them to not waste their time; the other part of me knows they need to learn a few things of experience like I did.  A few things like:

Blue Christmas

Normally, Christmas is a time of joy, celebration and fun for me.  I get so excited about Christmas shopping that I start in July and finish by November.  I love decorating, putting up lights and baking. 

But this year, I have a heavier heart than normal.

Marla, a woman in my congregation who had been fighting cancer, passed away on Friday, December 13th.  Her daughter is 16.  It was her husband's birthday.

A close family friend, Bill, who was struggling with four brain tumors, had a massive stroke and died on Saturday, December 14th.  He was a grandfather to two of my friends and a close friend of my grandmother.  His death the day after Marla's hit hard.

Christmas is not a happy occasion for everyone.  

Some people are missing loved ones during the holidays.  Some are struggling with the fact that they can't give gifts to their kids.  Others don't know if this will be their last holiday season.

The holidays are dark for many. 

How do you make it okay?

How do you help them to enjoy the season?

How do you help them see the little bits of joy and peace and love in the midst of the tragedy?

My Husband Isn't My Soul Mate Either

This blog post is a response to another blog post I read called My Husband is Not My Soul Mate.  Take time to read it.  It's pretty awesome.  She starts off building a background on the perpetration of the soul mate idea in Christian churches:

Do you remember those awesome Evangelical 90’s/ early 2000’s where Jesus was kind of like our boyfriend and we all kissed dating good-bye because we just knew that God was going to bring us THE ONE and then life would be awesome? ... We would know that he was THE ONE because of his plethora of WWJD bracelets and because (duh) he had also kissed dating goodbye and was waiting for me, strumming Chris Tomlin songs on his guitar as he stared into whatever campfire was nearby. We would get married and it would be awesome FOREVER. If you were like me, in devote preparation for this moment, you wrote letters to your future spouse, preferably in a leather bound journal dotted with your overwhelmed tears.

The fact of the matter is that there is a small part of us that wants to hold on to that idea of a perfect mate, someone who will be so obscenely compatible with us, it will be disgusting. 

But that isn't reality.

A Call for Christian Artists!

Dear Christian Artist,

For the purpose of this post, I am going to define "artist" as anyone who produces any creative work, such as a painter, a musician, a writer, a songwriter, a movie producer, an actor/actress, a photographer, etc.

You are rare! Did you know that? You are a rare gem in the Christian world. Why? Because in the creative field, there is more freedom. You know this. Your ability to create and to twist and to pull anything you feel like. That is the freedom I'm talking about. And, of course, the world has taken that opportunity, that freedom and used creative works to demonstrate perverted and vile things. Sex, immorality, rudeness, a blurring of the truth, etc. The world has taken the expression of the human self and used it to portray ungodly material. So, the Christians left that world, that creative sector.

Misconceptions of Marriage

During my time as a single person, I looked at marriage from a very different angle than someone who is actually married.  For the most part, I only saw the public face of marriage.  Not often, even from my own parents, did I see the private side.

From that perspective, I formed a lot of assumptions on what marriage was, how it functioned, why it existed.  Many of those assumptions were not entirely accurate. 

One misconception that I believed was that in marriage you learn more about your spouse. Sounds logical, right?  You're departing your life as an individual and becoming a unit. But I found that I was wrong. In marriage, you learn more about yourself.

Our marriage counselors from Between Two Trees told us in premarital counseling that marriage holds a mirror up in front of yourself.  You are forced to confront, in a new and more intimate way than before, the best and worst parts of yourself.

It's true.  You do learn about your spouse, but I think I've learned more about who I am, what my needs/likes/dislikes/foundations/beliefs are than I have learned about my husband.  I've come face-to-face with my state of internal growth.  Sometimes, its not pleasant.  It hurts to realize your inner desires and admit that they are selfish.  But that step is necessary, important, and vital to the strength and lasting of your marriage, to your personal growth.

This process, though, is extremely important to your marriage.  Your spouse is that mirror.  Sometimes, you don't want to look, but it is important that you do.  You take a good look.  You study what you see.  Then you turn to your spouse and say, "I want to make myself better.  And I want to do it for you and for me."

The process of making yourself a better, more perfect fit for your spouse is invaluable.

I'm new to this whole marriage thing, so beyond the realization that this process needs to happen, I have little experience.  What I do anticipate though is only good: a stronger and richer marriage.   



Soli Deo Gloria


Related posts:
The Transition from My to Our
'Til Death Do Us Part
525,949 Minutes of Marriage

The Gift of Giving

 

"You're changing that boy's life."

"No, he's changing mine." 

Sandra Bullock as Leigh Ann Touhy 

The Blind Side (2009)

Late 2012, my husband began praying, asking God to really bless our efforts to reach out to others.  He started taking some of the guys in our college group out to dinner.  The first one he hung out with was Michael.

At the time, Michael was living at a friend’s house and was faced with the possibility that he might not be able to stay there much longer.  Jon told me, in the future, Michael might need a place to live and approached me about offering our extra room for him if the opportunity arose.  It seemed God was being very clear.

I have to admit that I had a lot of reservations.  Being newlyweds, I had become attached to our easy privacy at home. Selfishly, that was my first worry.  How would the presence of a third person in the house affect our marriage?

When Two Are Better Than One

Awhile ago, I tackled the question "To Date or Not To Date" in a past blog post.  My answer: "Are you better together than you are individually?"

I believe you should only continue to date someone if you are better as a team, function better as a unit, than you do as individuals.

However, it remains to be said: relationships are tough and you must fight for them.

You know you're an adult when...

Adulthood comes at different times in people's lives.  Sometimes its when you're 18, sometimes when you're 15 or sometimes when you're 55.  Some people never reach adulthood.

I believe being a "grown-up" demands a certain level of maturity.  It's not just owning a house or having a job.  Every adult may not be at the same level of maturity in each area of their lives.  Some adults are better at dealing with rude people; others better at standing up for justice.  But what is the common denominator in all adult behavior?

Soap Box Booster Seats

A few weeks ago, I discussed a teenager's common search for identity...complete with a picture from my high school graduation! (Check it out here.) 

That post sparked a walk down memory lane.  I hope I never forget what it felt like to be a teenager.  There is something so valuable about that time in our lives, even if we are a bit embarrassed (okay, a lot embarrassed) by some of the things we did.

For instance, remember when you were so passionate about EVERYTHING?  And not only were you passionate about saving the whales or proper treatment of teenage workers, you wanted the ideal.  You worked toward how things should be and you did not stand for how things were.

The Transition from My to Our

My writing professor in college, Ron Carlson, told me not to go toward my MFA right away; he told me to get some life experience first.  Now, two years after graduation, I understand a little more about what he wanted me to learn.

I guess that is what my blog is about: my experiences, things I've learned, things I'm thinking about and digesting.  To me, portraying life is what writing is all about.

With that being said, recently I've been making the transition in my life from "my" to "our".  After you get married, you are expected for "two to become one flesh".  It's a concept that I hadn't truly began to understand until recently.  In no other time in my life have I really been asked to share truly everything that I have.

Any decision I make is now our decision.  Any purchase my husband makes is now our purchase.  Any choice that my husband makes is now my choice too.  Our house.  Our car.  Our clothes.  Our laundry.  Our dirty dishes.  Our family.  Our life.

I was writing thank you notes today for Christmas gifts.  I had to remind myself to say, "We are so excited about this gift," instead of "I loved your gift!".

Coming at life with this understanding that everything is shared changes everything.  Your life is not the only one on the line; both parties will suffer whatever consequences you make.

What can sound ominous and scary actually brings comfort too.  Our burdens.  Our problems.  They are no longer something that I need to handle on my own.  We're in this together.

My understanding of marriage as a symbol of God's relationship with Him deepens and grows every day.  This transition, though difficult at times, is yet another blessing God has given me, given us.



Soli Deo Gloria.