Searching for "The One"

THE CHECKLIST BOYFRIEND

When I was in middle school, I wrote a checklist of my requirements for my future husband.  Everything I wrote were good things.  I think its important to have some general personality traits in mind for your future spouse.  After all, you don't want to marry just anyone.

BUT...

I began to envision this one man out there specifically set aside by God for me.  I thought there was ONE guy, and I just had to find him in the sea of strangers.  Once I met him, everything would fall into place.

What's Your Character's Love Language?

In my opinion, the key to great books is solid characters.

The key to solid characters is understanding what makes your characters tick, knowing their priorities and what drives them.

The key to gaining that sort of intimate understanding of these fictional people you've created in your brain is to study the real people and the relationships around you.

The best real person to start with is yourself.

So, let's start asking a few questions about your characters.

WHAT'S YOUR CHARACTER'S LOVE LANGUAGE?

My Right to Be Angry

You might be like me, and have a few people that you are continuously angry with.  For me, they have done "legitimate" harm to me; they've hurt me.  While I am not without fault, I was definitely wronged by most people's standards.

I'm so tired of carrying around the emotional weight, but I can't seem to let it go.  How in the world am I supposed to forgive them?  I wish it were just as easy as throwing something away or taking off a heavy jacket. 

Did you know that the origin of the word "forgiveness" comes from the Old English forgiefan "give, grant, allow; forgive," also "to give up" and "to give in marriage;" from for- "completely" + giefan "give"? 

The modern sense of "to give up desire or power to punish" is from use of the compound as a Germanic loan-translation of Latin 'perdonare'. (Source: Online Etymology) 

In other words, forgiveness means completely giving up of your right to be angry.

Well, sorta.  It's not a bad thing to be angry.  It's a bad thing when you carry around emotional baggage, grudges, or other pent up negative energy because someone has done something bad to you.

That's what I mean by your "right to be angry".  Forgiveness means giving THAT up.

Valentine's Day vs. S.A.D.

It's that time of year again.  Be prepared for the onslaught of social media posts!

One half of them would bat their eyelashes if they could, dripping with the sappy and overly intimate details of what couples did to celebrate the Day of Love.  Complete with emoticon hearts and kisses.

The other half will be so chock full of cynicism and bitterness that you get choked by it when you innocently walk by.  Then shove a murdered cupid in your face.

Okay, I'm exaggerating a little bit.  But you get the picture.

Let's just say there are many extreme emotions being expressed around this time of year!

What's the deal?

All Who Are Weary

Dear friend,

It makes me sad to see you in pain, to see you stressed.  I really don't want you to be so manipulated by the world around you.  Sometimes I see what worries you, what really gets you down, and I wish I could just tell you, "This is so trivial.  It's not worth worrying about."  But that would be insensitive because obviously, its worth worrying about to you.

What I'm trying to say I wish for you something better.  I don't pretend to know the secret to life or have it all together, because I don't, but what I do know is that God will give us rest.

What I do know is that Jesus promises us this:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (NIV, Matthew 11:28-30)

You mention pain in your life, and I want to just tell you to let it go.  Shed those burdens.  Stop carrying that baggage around with you everywhere.  It's not worth it.  But I know its not that easy. 

You will grow with time, I know.  You are strong.  I just pray you start to realize that your world doesn't need to revolve around your problems.  It sounds harsh, but I say it with love.  Trust my own experience.  The sooner you live for something bigger than yourself, something other than your life, the better your life gets.  Promise.

I keep thinking of this song.  May the lyrics bless you.

All who are weak, all who are weary

All who are tired, all who are thirsty

All who have failed, all who are broken

Come to the rock, come to the fountain 

I care about you!  And so does Jesus.  Lay your burdens at His feet and He will give you rest. 

Love,
Cheryl


Soli Deo Gloria.


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Related Posts:
Why I Go to the Movies 
The Gift of Giving 
Making Time for Fun 
To Party or Not To Party (Part 1 & Part 2)
An Ode to Friendship

 

Blue Christmas

Normally, Christmas is a time of joy, celebration and fun for me.  I get so excited about Christmas shopping that I start in July and finish by November.  I love decorating, putting up lights and baking. 

But this year, I have a heavier heart than normal.

Marla, a woman in my congregation who had been fighting cancer, passed away on Friday, December 13th.  Her daughter is 16.  It was her husband's birthday.

A close family friend, Bill, who was struggling with four brain tumors, had a massive stroke and died on Saturday, December 14th.  He was a grandfather to two of my friends and a close friend of my grandmother.  His death the day after Marla's hit hard.

Christmas is not a happy occasion for everyone.  

Some people are missing loved ones during the holidays.  Some are struggling with the fact that they can't give gifts to their kids.  Others don't know if this will be their last holiday season.

The holidays are dark for many. 

How do you make it okay?

How do you help them to enjoy the season?

How do you help them see the little bits of joy and peace and love in the midst of the tragedy?

This is the God We Serve

I'm not one to toot my own horn.  Well, I used to be, but I'm trying to not do that as much anymore.  (Ironic when I have a personal blog?)  I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't want this to be about me.  Because its not.  This whole thing.  The blog, the video, my life.  It's not about me.

Because I serve a great God.

The video above is the message that I gave at my church back in October.  If you haven't already, I would be honored if you would watch it.  It's been on Youtube for awhile now, but I haven't had a chance to really develop my thoughts into something tangible.  What I kept coming back to was simply this phrase:

Grace Starts Now

Someone I know well, whom I will call Meryl, has more than once said mean, hurtful things to me.  She's the type of person who, when stressed and under pressure, buckles and starts lashing out because it feels like everything is falling down around her.

Recently, Meryl assumed I had done something to hurt her when it was in fact an oversight.  Well, regardless of what it was, she told me this, and I was angry.  It was an honest mistake.  I wasn't trying to do any harm or disrespect.

So, I got mad. I vented to my husband via text.  I start thinking of all the things I wanted to say but hadn't out of restraint.  I thought of all the ways I was right and all of the ways she was wrong.

The next day, she apologized, saying that she was wrong, that she knew I had just made an honest mistake, and it was poor character for her to say those things.

Ouch.

5 Tips for a Happier Life

Happiness is what everyone wants.  You don't need to be a genius to see that in today's culture.  Humans long, desire, yearn for satisfaction and contentment.  Lasting happiness.

But feelings come and go.  Emotions are more unstable than radioactive atoms.  We're just not happy all the time.  So we search for new methods to attain what we want.
 
I don't know much, but there are a few things I've learned so far that might help us live happier lives. 

Our Mission: Making Disciples of All Nations

In the Christian world, you will hear of members say phrases like, "going on missions" or "supporting missions."  They are most likely be referring to the word meaning a group of people going to a foreign country to preach the Gospel and/or assist with relief.  

Why does the definition have to include the word "foreign"?  

I mean, Jesus said, "Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation."  In another Gospel, He says it this way, "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit." 

There is no place in there that I see him implying that you have to travel by plane to get there. 

Deep Questions, Simple Answers

Throughout all the years of my short life, I have never lacked something to do.  Between school, work, my writing, church, relationships, friends, etc. I've always had a goal, something to work toward.  Busy is one of those words that describes me well.

However, even though I always had activity in my life, sometimes I struggled with the point of it all.

Last year in January, I wrote a blog post about struggling with courage.  I was having a hard time at the point, adjusting to being a newlywed, changes at my job, and shifts in family dynamics.  I wanted to know what my purpose was on this earth.  I knew I had purpose; I'm passionate about a lot of things.  But how did that fit in the bigger picture?  Where was the culmination of all my passions supposed toward?

After daily sifting through possible answers to my wonderings, I have discovered when it comes down to it, the answer is simple.

Loving When There is So Much to Lose

Marriage has its moments. Moments of pure, unadulterated contentment. Moments of deep and continual longing. Moments of unthinkable hurt, anger and frustration. Moments of just being sad.

There is so much to lose because is so much to gain. You place everything, practically, in the hands of someone else and tell them, “Take care of these things please.” The challenge is you give them your heart without much of an instruction manual.

There are times in my life when I've had things click, those ah-ha! moments that you feel so stupid for not figuring it out earlier (it was so simple!) but at the same time, so proud that you have attained this new-found perspective.  I like to share those things with you.  I hope that by sharing some of my blood, sweat and tears, you can avoid the same.

Here is one of the moments that someone did that for me.  I heard this on the Air1 radio station and its been gnawing at me ever since.  The host, Brant, was telling about a recent argument with his wife in which she doubted him.  Then he said this:

The Birthday Battle

I recently celebrated a birthday, and I have to say that my birthday isn't really something I look forward to.  I don't have that same unbridled excitement I had when I was a kid, just ready to soak in everyone singing to me.

Now, I sit for those 15 seconds while everyone sings Happy Birthday, and in all honesty, it feels a little awkward.  I mean, who do I look at?  I usually end up staring at the cake, sneaking a timid glance up every once in awhile just to see everyone staring at me.

I also don't like the attention while I'm opening gifts either.  I open them and hope I don't react horribly.  I want to show them how much you love the gift, but I'm not that good of an actor.  Not that I get bad gifts, but its just hard to show enthusiasm for the gift card when you just opened a super thoughtful Princess Bride board game from your sister (I'm a Princess Bride fan and the gift was very thoughtful).

Why I Go to the Movies

Dear friend,

If I ever go to the movies with you, I'm going because I want to spend time with you.

Granted, going to the movies is arguably one of THE worst ways to spend time with someone.  You are sitting in a dark room with a whole bunch of other strangers, eating high calorie foods, and staring at a screen together.  There is little interaction.  In fact, most wise people warn against the whole classic dinner and a movie date as a way to get to know anyone.

My Problem with Christians

I love God.  I love Jesus.  But sometimes, I have a really hard time loving His followers.

As a Christian myself, I look at our American church with a mix of admiration and disgust and disappointment.  In the end, when my passionate anger dies away, what is left is that lingering sadness.

I don't want to sound like I have all the answers because I don't.  But I think we're doing it wrong, guys.  Our focus is all off.  Even our well-intentioned efforts are only making it harder for us in the end.

Misconceptions of Marriage

During my time as a single person, I looked at marriage from a very different angle than someone who is actually married.  For the most part, I only saw the public face of marriage.  Not often, even from my own parents, did I see the private side.

From that perspective, I formed a lot of assumptions on what marriage was, how it functioned, why it existed.  Many of those assumptions were not entirely accurate. 

One misconception that I believed was that in marriage you learn more about your spouse. Sounds logical, right?  You're departing your life as an individual and becoming a unit. But I found that I was wrong. In marriage, you learn more about yourself.

Our marriage counselors from Between Two Trees told us in premarital counseling that marriage holds a mirror up in front of yourself.  You are forced to confront, in a new and more intimate way than before, the best and worst parts of yourself.

It's true.  You do learn about your spouse, but I think I've learned more about who I am, what my needs/likes/dislikes/foundations/beliefs are than I have learned about my husband.  I've come face-to-face with my state of internal growth.  Sometimes, its not pleasant.  It hurts to realize your inner desires and admit that they are selfish.  But that step is necessary, important, and vital to the strength and lasting of your marriage, to your personal growth.

This process, though, is extremely important to your marriage.  Your spouse is that mirror.  Sometimes, you don't want to look, but it is important that you do.  You take a good look.  You study what you see.  Then you turn to your spouse and say, "I want to make myself better.  And I want to do it for you and for me."

The process of making yourself a better, more perfect fit for your spouse is invaluable.

I'm new to this whole marriage thing, so beyond the realization that this process needs to happen, I have little experience.  What I do anticipate though is only good: a stronger and richer marriage.   



Soli Deo Gloria


Related posts:
The Transition from My to Our
'Til Death Do Us Part
525,949 Minutes of Marriage

The Identity of Home

My husband and I embarked on shopping for our first home purchase together earlier this year.  I have often been forewarned about how stressful the process is.  And being first-time home buyers, it was even more daunting. 

In the beginning, there was a lot of learning taking place.  The market is pretty aggressive, we didn't know that much about escrows, mortgages, or offers.  We also didn't really know what we were looking for in a house, what we liked and dislike about the structure itself.  Not to mention it was hard to look past the current occupant's decorating and really see the house for its true potential.

Something I discovered was how strong of a word home is to me.  You know how the word love is indefinable to poets?  The word home is very similar for me.  It has such a profound connotation, so much wealth of history.  I grew up in a home that I adored, loved and found security in.  To search for another structure to provide that same thing for my future family is both exciting and nerve-wracking.  I feel like I'm choosing my college all over again.

The Gift of Giving

 

"You're changing that boy's life."

"No, he's changing mine." 

Sandra Bullock as Leigh Ann Touhy 

The Blind Side (2009)

Late 2012, my husband began praying, asking God to really bless our efforts to reach out to others.  He started taking some of the guys in our college group out to dinner.  The first one he hung out with was Michael.

At the time, Michael was living at a friend’s house and was faced with the possibility that he might not be able to stay there much longer.  Jon told me, in the future, Michael might need a place to live and approached me about offering our extra room for him if the opportunity arose.  It seemed God was being very clear.

I have to admit that I had a lot of reservations.  Being newlyweds, I had become attached to our easy privacy at home. Selfishly, that was my first worry.  How would the presence of a third person in the house affect our marriage?

When Two Are Better Than One

Awhile ago, I tackled the question "To Date or Not To Date" in a past blog post.  My answer: "Are you better together than you are individually?"

I believe you should only continue to date someone if you are better as a team, function better as a unit, than you do as individuals.

However, it remains to be said: relationships are tough and you must fight for them.

You know you're an adult when...

Adulthood comes at different times in people's lives.  Sometimes its when you're 18, sometimes when you're 15 or sometimes when you're 55.  Some people never reach adulthood.

I believe being a "grown-up" demands a certain level of maturity.  It's not just owning a house or having a job.  Every adult may not be at the same level of maturity in each area of their lives.  Some adults are better at dealing with rude people; others better at standing up for justice.  But what is the common denominator in all adult behavior?